I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
