Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
