I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
