I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
