I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
