consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
