Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize