I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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