It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
