so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I still have a little drunk in my system
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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