The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
