So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
