i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
