There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
