I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
