don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
