and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
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