there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have post one night stand depression
I forget how to act sober
Randomize