I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
