I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
