The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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