Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
