phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
