my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it's like heaven, but drunker
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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