I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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