i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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