People in love make me want to vomit
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
