someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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