Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
