I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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