Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
