Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
