I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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