Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
