i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
