you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
