every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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