What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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