if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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