apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
