does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
