Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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