call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
