I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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