omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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