Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
