I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
