He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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