He felt like a one man threesome
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
