I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
her vagine was all disorganized.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
