I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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