If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
