and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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