I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
