my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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