My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
