I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
