Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
