how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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